The Love That Hurts the Most [Raine]

[Logan Greyson Smith]

Ever since Logan had seen Raine last, when he has left her, for what he thought was probably for good, he had been a lot angrier than he had been before.  Catching people quicker, being a lot more rough, even nearly killing a man that was needed alive.  Someone else managed to stop him before he killed the man.  He knew why it was.  It was because of Raine.  She had gotten too far in, and now he was having... withdrawals, that was it.  He just needed to get used to it, and eventually the anger would go away.  He was at home and looked in his mirror.  Well it was his home for the last month.  Ever since he left Raine at Hogwarts.  Behind him, a phoenix, silver in color, flied in.  It gave him another job from Dumbledore.  Logan left immediately. 

The next he knew he was in a bed.  His eyes were closed and his head hurt a lot.  He tried to remember what happened.  He remembered his target's face.  Blonde, male, short, with a mole on the side of his face.  He remembered running at him, punching the man's face, seeing a bloody nose, and not going for the magic cuffs, releasing his anger, which was actually at himself really, then a jet of red light, pain.  Then a green one, and blood coming from his chest.  He remembered falling over, and seeing the target's face as his vision faded away and then something hitting his head, like a foot kicking him.  Logan let his logical side take over.  What must have happened was that he got distracted in his emotions, and instead of capturing the man, went to beat him a bit more, but was too slow.  Crucio.  Sectumsempra.  That was what had to happen.  Or Diffindo.  A cutting spell at least.  Now he was in a bed.  How curious.  He figured someone found him in that alley way where it all went down and now he was in the hospital. 

Without opening his eyes he felt someone in the room with him, and not just someone that was a patient with him.  Someone looking at him.  He wondered who it was.  If they found out who he was, then John would be informed, as their brothership was no longer a secret.  John may have contacted others, or it could be him, or whoever had brought him here.  If it was... well... Logan didn't know what he would do.  He managed to open his eyes, seeing the one who was with him. 

[Raine Taika Fae]

Raine had been in the Divination classroom, teaching her third years students to read tea leaves when she felt something like a knife being driven into her heart. She flooed Dumbledore immediately, left the class with a very confused astronomy professor, and flooed to Knockturn alley. She followed her senses, they would lead her where she was needed. The pain in her chest got worse. She knew what it was. Logan. She ran like the wind, knocking over men twice her petite size and ignoring the curses thrown after her. She finally reached him, panting from the effort, alone and unconscious in a very back alleyway. She levitated him with a simple spell to cushion what she was about to do, and then grabbed his wrist and apparated to St. Mungo’s.

The doctors treated him for a while before telling her that he would be fine in a day or two. They let her see him and she stood there, unmoving, watching him. She was terrified of his reaction when he would wake up. The last time they saw each other had been full of mixed emotions and she was afraid he’d dig himself even deeper into the fortress of his. She hadn’t eaten nor moved in what seemed like days but had only been four hours. Her sight was telling her nothing, it had closed off once she found him. Her usually unfocused eyes were focused intently on his face, searching for any sign of movement. Any sign that he might be waking up.

He finally began to shift, just a flicker of eyelashes. Then his eyes opened. She couldn’t help it, her ‘you-are-the-most-important-thing-to-me’ smile spread across her face. “Good morning sleepy head, have a nice nap?” She hoped that keeping it light, keeping emotions out of it, would be a better start than the one she had been running in her mind for the past three hours.

[Logan Greyson Smith]

Logan flashed a smile seeing Raine there, before he forced it back quickly.  He couldn't let himself slip into this again.  Not back into that..."persona" he put on when he was around her.  The one that was charming, secretive, with a bit of a dark and slightly sensitive side, that just wasn't who he had been for about a decade or so.  But it was so easy to slip back into that persona when she was around.  But he couldn't let him.  He had to keep up the shields plastered on top of that persona he created when she met him (though really, it was such an easy persona to be because it was very much like him deep, deep down).  But right now, he felt just terrible, sore, and the wound on his chest couldn't be healed.  Apparently it was dark magic, and would have to heal naturally, at least that was what he guessed, and he was right in the end. 

There was that look again.  The one that sent something... something going through his body.  Something he hadn't felt in a long while.  Happiness, he would guess.  Even after what he had said, after what had happened to them before, him just leaving her on the ground, their first real kiss being when she was passed out.  They were dating for what... a couple years, they had a couple kisses, but not one he considered really real with him, and not the persona, until she was unconscious on the floor, when he thought he was leaving her forever.  But he had to let that be last.  Screw the prophecy.  It probably meant something different.  Needless to say, he was frightened also by what he believed that prophecy meant.  But it couldn't be that obvious... right? 

"What are you doing...here?" Logan asked clenched teeth, trying to sit up, but the way they had healed him was through muggle ways, stitches, because they couldn't do it any other way due to the dark magic stuff, and a muggle meddling healer, so when he tried to sit up, it felt like his wound was coming apart, and stopped, falling back into the bed. 

[Raine Taika Fae]

Raine was relieved that he was alright enough to hide in his shell… even if that made it harder on her. She knew that he was fighting it so hard. She wished he wouldn’t but, what choice did she have? Her smile was true, her love was true, and he would be okay, that’s all she cared about. Watching his internal fight to keep up the shields and not slip into the Logan she knew, the charming one with a lovely smile, she had to chuckle to herself.

He still reacted to her smile, at least that was something. She knew he thought about the kiss, the words he told her, that he was afraid to say when he thought she could hear. She saw the conflicting emotions, something to do with that prophecy. She still didn’t even know what it said. He hadn’t talked to her or told her of it and there was no way for her to learn unless he did.

“Who else would rescue a criminal and bring him to St. Mungo’s?” she asked. “If someone else had found you first you would be in Azkaban or something.” They both knew it to be true, Logan had pissed off an awful lot of people. When he tried to sit up she flinched, “no, Logan, don’t sit up. You’ve lost so much blood they had to use muggle methods. Brought in a muggle doctor and everything,” she sighed, worrying so much about him. “My sight told me something was wrong… I got there and you were bleeding and unconscious, what else was I supposed to do? Let you die?” the words began to shift from a soft, worried voice to one of extreme hurt and fear, “I’d rather kill myself.”

[Logan Greyson Smith]

Logan couldn't help but flash a small smile when she called him a criminal.  That was a very great compliment to him.  It meant that he did his job well.  He was sure the Ministry would love to get their hands on him, throw him in prison, if they could catch him, that was.  They couldn't so for now, they settled for hiring him.  If they couldn't catch him, they might as well use his services.  The great Ministry of Magic could not catch a squib.  But it was true, if she didn't come, he could have awoken in Azkaban, or really, never awoken at all.

And so, he did appreciate her coming to his aid, and made him feel special, since he had done the math and figured she was probably in one her classes when it happened.  That meant she dropped everything to help him.  Oh, he knew that she loved him, and he loved her as well, but it was too dangerous.  It wasn't like they were going to get married, and screw the prophecy that said so.  Everyone knew that prophecies sometimes didn't come true.  This one wouldn't come true... though if they were to really get together... but that wasn't he world he lived in.  He lived in a world where everything had to go wrong, so why should he care?  Even if he really did care so very much, deep, deep inside him. 

"That is true.  I suppose I... that I... owe you one," Logan admitted with a straight face.  Admitting that, was a big step for Logan, having never really thanked anyone truly, when he wasn't playing someone.  Logan had stopped playing Raine awhile back, without even realizing it.  "Damn magic," Logan muttered to himself, placing a hand along the stitches in his chest.  "I've had worse," Logan sniffed, and actually had faced a slightly worse injury when in the orphanage, went to the hospital and all.  They told the doctors that he had fallen out of a tree and rolled down a bush covered hill.  Though, it probably wasn't as deep as this cut was, but it was all over the place, and a couple broken bones, one sticking out of his skin.  "Raine..." Logan began watching her with his studying blue green eyes.  He pulled himself up, placing a kiss on her lips for just a moment, before collapsing against the bed, "We can't.  I can't... we can't have anything together.  Everyone has..." left me was the rest of the sentence, but he couldn't seem to finish his sentence. 

[Raine Taika Fae]

Raine chuckled, “you are far too proud of being considered a criminal,” her quiet dreamy voice spoke to him. “You’re lucky I have Dumbledore on my side or they would take you to Azkaban the moment you were released. You’ve been given immunity on this one, since it was his job you were working on.” She shook her head, wishing that it hadn’t been Albus who led him to this. Wishing that for once, he had asked someone else to do his dirty work.

“No, Logan, you don’t owe me anything.” She knew it took a lot for him to say that, but helping people was her life goal. She hated people feeling as though they owed her for that which she did for herself. “Orphanage?” she questioned, her sight giving her a slight insight on the previously mentioned worse injury. That place was horrible, she could tell from the little she had learned of it in their two years together.

Raine’s eyes softened when he said her name, she loved the way he said it. She blinked in surprise when he kissed her, before sighing, she knew he wouldn’t stay lying down, he was too stubborn. “Logan.” One simple word told all her feelings at that very moment. Love, hurt, worry, fear, understanding. “You can’t hide your feelings. That’s twice you have actually truly kissed me,” she hinted at knowing what happened after her prophecy, “and twice you’ve pushed me away.” She knew what he was about to say, everyone has left him, promised to stay, promised to love, but left irregardless. “I promise, Logan, I will never leave.” She sat on the edge of his bed, grabbed his hand and looked him in the eyes, letting herself open her shells intentionally for the first time ever. “I don’t make promises easily and I never, ever break them. I’ll even make an unbreakable vow if you want, my promises mean as much to me as if I had anyway,” she looked down for a second, squeezing his hand, “I love you, Logan Smith, no matter how much you push me away, no matter how hard you try to fight it, no matter how many times you say you can’t or we can’t, I love you. And I’m never going to stop trying.” She stood up, pulled her hand away, and took a few steps back, giving him room to breathe and to think.

[Logan Greyson Smith]

"It's my life's goal," Logan joked slightly, though any sort of chuckle that came out was stifled by his chest hurting.  She seemed to get the best out of him, though he was still really screwed up in the head, and around every other person he would throw on different personas, threaten to kill them, or simply ignore them.  "Good ol' Dumbledore.  Don't think Voldemort would've done that for me."  He had worked for all sides at one point, though lately Dumbledore had been giving him more jobs, taking up more of his time, and the Ministry giving him a lot of jobs as well, which meant that Voldemort didn't get as many jobs done.  Plus, he wouldn't take all Voldemort's jobs, a very strict list of stuff he wouldn't do. 

He knew it not worth it to argue that he did owe her, though he probably wouldn't ever do anything to pay her back for her saving him.  So he simply dropped it, not a largely stubborn person really.  His eyes closed when she suggested the Orphanage was where he was injured.  Of course, she knew some about that, and what he had faced at that hell hole.  "Yeah," Logan admitted, cursing himself inside once more.  He had thought he had pushed her out of his walls, healed those cracks she made in them, but obviously not.  Just thinking about the orphanage sent a few memory flashes through his head, which he had to force back, or he might think he was back there again. 

Logan turned his head, looking at Raine, who had backed up at this point.  Many thoughts rushed through his head, but even at how fast he thought, it took a few moments to process everything to its full extent.  "How do you know about the first one?" Logan finally said quickly with a curious look on his face, part of the persona he was putting off right now, close to his first persona with Raine, trying to keep hiding behind his barriers, though it was still hard with the pain he was going through, both emotionally and physically.  He was curious how she had known.  He thought she had been unconscious, unless she had read that off of him.  After all, he had thought about it very often, and she could have.  "How do you know you won't leave?  There are plenty who didn't plan on leaving, that have... gone..." Like both sets of parents and the muggle who had let him go, though she was planning on it. 

[Raine Taika Fae]

Raine smiled at his chuckle, the winced when she saw the pain hurting him. It really hurt her to see him in pain like this, especially when she couldn’t do anything to help him. “I’m not sure Dumbledore would have if I hadn’t asked. It’s hard to tell with him, he spends so much time hiding and playing in peoples’ lives. I know his past and I know how and why he toys with people, yet I still love him.” It was true, one day, before reading a huge prophecy to Dumbledore, she saw into him. He let her see the memories that troubled him every day of his life. His brother, his sister, his mother, his old friend.

Raine was glad he dropped owing her, she hated feeling like that. She hated to it annoyed him how much she knew about the orphanage. She wanted to know why he became like this, hidden deep within himself. So she kept searching, even though he didn’t like it. She ignored the memories that jolted up through his shell, she didn’t want to see any more or upset him any more right now.

“After prophecies I go into a coma-like-state, during that my mind is fully awake so I can listen and smell and feel everything that happens, I just can’t open my eyes or speak.” She glanced down, “I knew before you said it, or before you kissed me,” she told him quietly, “you’re just too scared of getting hurt again.” She let the tear that was brimming in her eye fall. “You’re not the only one who’s been hurt, you know. I was left too, just in a much more painful goodbye.” She took a deep breath, pulled the one memory that she hid down within the very core of her shells. The one memory that he would never learn unless she showed it to him, because that’s how deeply it was buried. She could feel her body reacting. Her breathing hitched, her heart rate sped up, her arms shook, and her hands sweated. She was absolutely terrified of reliving this memory and showing it to him. She stepped back next to him, kneeled on the side of his bed, and leaned up to kiss his forehead. The moment her lips touched his head her deep seer magic flowed up and pulled him into her memory. Unlike watching a memory in a pensive, he was not a silent observer, but he was in Raine’s body, feeling and hearing and seeing everything she did.

”You’re leaving me, you little shit!” shouted Mathew Clive, our fourteen year old best friend, the guy our eleven year old self had been in love with. “To go off to some stupid fantasy school?!” He came over and slapped us in the face. “No way in hell I’m letting you leave!”
We quivered, frightened of this other side of our friend, “I’m magical, Clive, I have to go,” we whispered in fright.
“Well then, you’re ‘magical’ now are you. Then use your magic to stop this!” He grabbed our shoulders and threw us into the grass, tearing our clothes off in the process. He pulled down his pants and without stretching or lubrication or any warning he pounded in, causing us to scream. He covered our mouth, “you scream and it’ll get so much worse. Shut your little face, bitch.” He continued to pound into us, cause us to bleed and lose feeling in our legs. And the heartbreak we felt, like someone stabbing us over and over and over in the heart. This pain, all of it, when on for hours until he felt thoroughly pleasured. He made us feel him and taste him and pleasure him. When it was finally over he left us, lying alone, naked, and bleeding in the field, miles from our house. We lay there for another few hours, unable to move. Crying and sobbing and wondering what we did wrong. How we ruined things with our best friend. Until eventually, Dumbledore found us, cleaned us up, wrapped us in a blanket, and took us to St. Mungo’s.

Raine pulled away from Logan, sobbing and tears streaming down her face. She could hardly breathe it was so bad. That memory had been locked inside for so long, she forgot how horrible it had been. “I would never leave someone. I’ve felt the pain of losing someone and thinking that it was all my fault and if I hadn’t been magical or hadn’t done this or done that, he wouldn’t have done it,” her voice was coarse and hard to understand, but he was still able to make it out. “I wouldn’t hurt you the way I was hurt.”

[Logan Greyson Smith]

Logan knew some of what Dumbledore could be like, the manipulative old coot. But his intentions were clear. Logan may not really like the man that much, but he deserved respect, unlike Voldemort, who hid behind his followers, and though Dumbledore did similar, it wasn’t quite the same. He didn’t really respect Voldemort, which might be because of his soft spot for muggles and muggleborns because of his upbringing and such. “I have a feeling he would have either way,” Logan said not knowing Dumbledore as well as she, but from what he knew of the man, he felt he was telling the truth, “I’ve done some fairly good work for him. Don’t even charge him as much as the ministry.”

Logan was glad she hadn’t gone into his memory when they seemed to come back up in his head. He appreciated it a lot, and did help him feel like he could trust her, but Logan brushed it off as manipulation. It had to, no one could love him truly… she had to be manipulating him. But he didn’t want to believe that either, despite chanting it in his head in the hopes he would believe that.

“I should have known you would remember what happened afterwards,” Logan said looking at the ceiling, avoiding looking at her. He was such an idiot. He should have just left and not said anything, but of course, that stupid part inside of him couldn’t leave without saying something, and of course, doing something that he now regretted, because now he couldn’t lie to her about what he did feel towards her.

Then she showed him that memory. He simply stared at the ceiling thinking on it, silent besides a soft ‘hmph’ in response. His mind went on its normal fast track as many different thought strands littered his brain in a way that only he could ever find manageable. It took a couple of moments, a little over a minute, for him to speak about his response and a small sliver of what had gone through his mind.

“Raine, I don’t doubt that… anymore,” Logan began slowly, picking up speed, but his deep, serious tone remaining exactly the same, “However, if anything were to happen, you would become a liability, and in my line of work, many people want to snag me completely, steal me over and confirm me as their operative. I don’t ever want that. Both Voldemort and Dumbledore could seize anything I…. love and hold it against me. And now, if I stop what I do, I have no protection, nor income to support myself. If we were together… it would seal my fate of getting killed.” His mind turned towards the prophecy, before he shoved it away again.

[Raine Taika Fae]

Raine could tell he understood Dumbledore the same as she. “Probably,” she said, “he does try his best to keep good his allies,” that’s all it was to him. There were very few people Dumbledore truly cared for, even she didn’t quite fall into that list. “Oh, wonderful, you charge the greatest wizard of all time less than the most powerful magical community in Britain. Are you insane?” Wait… yea, he was.

“It’s a part of my sight, it’s always been that way. It’s similar to the coma’s some muggles get into. They can hear and feel everything, but see nothing.” It was a useful skill, she’d learned a lot from it in the past, especially out of Dumbledore.

Raine was almost upset that he had no reaction to that memory, being that she was still shaking and sobbing from it. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to her. “Good,” she said, her calm, airy voice returning as she pushed the memory back inside her walls. “Logan, you’re the best person at occlumency I know other than Dumbledore and myself. No one would ever learn of us,” it was true. He wouldn’t slip, the only reason she got into his shell was because of her sight and him slowly falling for her. Otherwise she never would have learned more than his hatred for his brother. “Dumbledore would never use me against you,” she spoke, her voice it’s soothing tone she took on when she hoped someone would listen to her. “I can’t promise you income, but you’re never lacking protection. You always get yourself out of things. And I know you don’t believe it, but your brother would help you out of anything.” She sighed, “I don’t want something as stupid as your line of work to pull you away from me!”

[Logan Greyson Smith]

She was questioning his sanity?  Was she insane herself?  Of course he was!  Had she not learned that yet?  "How else am I to make money?  I can't make Dumbledore an obvious favorite," Logan replied with a questioning smile on his face.  He charged everyone, just not as much for Dumbledore, because in the end, Dumbledore was protecting those he had a bit of a sweet spot for.  The Ministry were charged the most if they specifically asked for him.  He was like their trump card when they couldn't solve something, and he would charge them for all they were worth.  He disagreed with the whole lot of them on so many levels, and despised them, because they wanted to throw him in prison for some of his other jobs, despite the help he had given them on many occasions, despite him not being able to use magic. 

"I've been in one of those," Logan noted, before he quickly looked the opposite way from her, feeling like a damn muggle right now, not being able to help himself right now, and of course, having been put in a coma by another kid at the orphanage, who thought that since the elder people were doing it, he could also beat up on him, while the teens were on an outing together on a boat, where he was knocked against the side of the rotting boat, falling into the lake, the people arguing who would dive in to get him, eventually someone diving in and bringing him back up.  That was near the beginning of his years at the orphanage, and began training his body, but the adults were always stronger than him, and he couldn't stop them until he managed to get out of there. 

Logan had reacted strongly to it, just on the inside, but he couldn't let himself show it.  How could he?  It just wasn't him to show extreme emotion, and even when he was around his brother he didn't show it, despite it wanting to pound out.  "Occlumency is for wizards," Logan noted with a bit of bitterness coming through, "I'm no wizard."  Logan paused for a moment before he continued on.  "I think it would be obvious if we were to spend any more time together.  When... when I'm with you, Raine, I can't control myself very well.  Not anymore, at least... after I had... figured how I felt about you.  Dumbledore would use you, he uses people all the time."  Logan paused again.  Before he looked back towards her with a grim look on his face.  "My brother would never.  He abandoned me; why would he care?" When it involved his brother, he was quite firm on his brother not caring about him. 

"Alright... then... It's me who is keeping you from me," Logan sighed, his look softening from when he had talked about his brother, "I can't... If you... fall out of love with me... I would have sacrificed everything, including my job, for you to stop... I wouldn't... want you to be forced to be with me when you no longer care for me, when you get over this... feeling you have for me."  How could she know she was going to 'love' him forever?  And he wouldn't want her to suffer because he made her promise to never leave him, because he didn't want to care for anyone, because they would all leave him eventually. 

[Raine Taika Fae]

Raine shrugged, “choose a different profession.” It was a harmless comment in response to his question about making money. She disliked his profession, but didn’t really expect him to ever change it. It was just who he was. At least he had some morals and didn’t take all the jobs Voldemort and the ministry requested. That was better than him doing anything at all, no matter who it hurt.

Raine wondered why he reacted so strongly and turned away from her. She knew it was still the orphanage, but again pushed aside the memories he practically threw at him… he was really getting low on his defenses. She didn’t want to keep prying when he was still fighting himself to accept the relationship at all.

She wished she knew why he hadn’t reacted, or hasn’t shown any reaction, it was really hurting her feelings that he seemed not to care. Raine could take almost anything you threw out her, but the man she loved not reacting at all to seeing, or actually feeling her, being raped was horrible. “Occlumency is not magic, Logan, it is a skill of the mind. Wizards just use magic as an aide in perfecting their skill. Muggles who have no knowledge of the wizarding world could be great at Occlumency, if they had enough reason to hide their feelings.” She turned away, “in the eyes of others you control yourself around me the same you do around Voldemort. They can’t tell the difference. Just instead of seeing a fortress they see a wall of clouded thought and blackness. Your thoughts become an impossibly black fog when your around me. Only I can see anything else and only because you’re so skilled at mind games that you’re mind only lets me in. You don’t realize it because you only feel your mind’s reaction to me, you don’t see it from the outside as well,” she knew what she was talking about. She could feel Dumbledore pressing their minds every once in a while and he never got through either of them. “He does care about you, you just refuse to see it.”

“Yes, Logan, it’s always been you keeping me from you,” Raine snapped at him, “I thought you realized that a long time ago.” She was upset that he kept throwing up barriers. She knew it was his personality, it was who he was, and she loved who he was, but it was annoying to keep fighting this hard every minute just to get him to open up a tiny crack more. “I’ve had this same feeling for two years, Logan, it’s not going away. A person can’t just fall out of love with someone. I’m still in love with Mathew Clive, and you know how that turned out.” She glanced towards him, “why can’t you just believe me?” She asked despite knowing why, she just wanted him to understand and to accept what she was saying. This relationship was so hard, it was well worth it in her mind, but it was still so hard.

[Logan Greyson Smith]

Logan looked at her disbelievingly. Did she seriously just suggest that? "That's never going to happen," Logan said quickly, before he decided to add just a few moments later, "There's nothing else I could really do, anyways. Nothing that would interest me, anyways." It was true. His jobs interested him far more than anything else. If he hadn't a job, or if he had a normal job, he'd get bored. With his current job, there was excitement, and things that could intrigue his mind. Danger hadn't ever matter before, nor did the money really, but otherwise he couldn't make a living with it. Otherwise he might end up doing something stupid to fill his time of boredom, like shooting a wall or something.

Logan's defenses were not strong at all right now. Of course they weren't. He was quite hurt, not being able to get out of the bed for now because of the damn dark magic which wasn't able to be healed by their magic, or the magic that they knew at least. Especially since they didn't know the spell that had been used against him, or they would've been able to heal it, but there could be terrible consequences by just shooting in the dark, possibly killing him if they used the wrong spell. Even he wasn't sure, he just remembered a green light, thought it could have been a killing curse until he woke up, which meant he wasn't dead and it was something else, and had made a deep gash in his chest. Unless... it was a possibility he was dead already, and this was hell tricking him into thinking he was alive and planning on ruining him even farther. It was unlikely, but still a possibility. And the unlikely seemed to occur more than the likely, which was really... weird at times. Other people experienced likely things, but he faced mostly unlikely.

While Logan cared about her, no matter how he denied it, and didn't show it very well. He wasn't usually good with feelings, both other's and his feelings. Which made it hard to express them. And even then, if he showed them, they'd probably go out of control, and he couldn't have that. He was always a very big person on keep his emotions in check, or he might not think before he acted, and that was stupid. He wasn't stupid. Just think. Logan had all of these emotions bottled up and discarded into a part inside of him that was far enough back they wouldn't matter, so if they were released from their prisons too much, instead of them just reaching through the bars, they would rampage like the Titans in the Disney movie Hercules (which hadn't been made in his time yet, and wouldn't come out until 1997, but just as a comparison). If at all, they had to be slowly released, and lowered defenses wasn't a good thing for that, so keeping his emotions buried deep, especially the more destructive ones like anger, was what he really needed to do, or all those years of strengthening his barriers would go to waste and he'd probably lose control.

"Black fog?" Logan asked, before a small smile spread on his face, "I thought it would be something more ominous, like... thunderclouds and storms." Was he joking? Did he really just say that? It was that persona coming out again. Oh he should have destroyed that persona long ago, especially when it had nasty tendencies of popping up when he didn't want to. It was that stupid one that he had put on when he first met Raine two years ago. Would he have to suppress that persona as well as everything else? His mind wasn't quite strong enough yet to do so, but he knew that when he got better he would be. Logan wondered for a moment whether it was the injury that was impairing him, Raine, or if the target had used something that weakened his mind. He should read up on the torture curse a bit more and find out what he had used against him to give him this darn gash. Maybe there was a side effect that would affect his barriers. Either that or it was this injury, memories of the orphanage contrasting those with his adoptive parents, or because Raine was here and affecting his head like this. "Why would he care? He never has before," Logan noted on the subject of his brother, with more of a shrug than anger, the anger having calmed down a bit right now, because really... her voice was quite calming.

However, just as fast as his anger had calmed down when thinking of his brother, it flared back up again, and luckily, Logan's mind was ready for it this time, showing few outward signs of it. "You still love him?" Logan asked, completely bewildered for once in his life, "After... what he did to you? How could you love him?" His voice was level and not rushed, as if he were speaking of having tea tomorrow instead of something that was frustrating to him because he understood just about everything else, "You should hate him. Hate him for what he did, not love him." Just as Logan truly hated his brother, or at least that is what he believed.

[Raine Taika Fae]

“I didn’t expect you to, Logan,” Raine said, honestly. “Nothing else is dangerous enough for you,” she knew it was true. He liked the danger, the fact that he was never sure if he’d live through the fight. It was his personality, he loved danger, the thrill of the fight. He was never going to stop, even if they someday got married and “settled down”. Otherwise he’d probably end up destroying where ever he lived out of boredom.

Raine figured out what he was thinking and smacked him, “you’re not dead.” She glared at him for evening thinking it. “It was a new spell created by a Hogwarts student who hasn’t perfected the spell yet. No one knows what exactly it does or how to heal it.” She knew it was Severus’s spell, one that would later be used by Harry against Draco. “It’s a spell that seems to leave a minor scratch if nonverbal but do… this if verbal.” She had done some looking into it with her sight while he was unconscious, she had been so worried he’d be unconscious forever from it.

Raine chuckled, “black fog, simple but effective, very much like you.” It was true, he was a simple person underneath. He preferred the simple but successful methods of capturing people as well as escaping, it was just his way. She sighed, “he just doesn’t show it because you hate him so much. He feels bad about everything he did to you and wants to make up for it, you just won’t let him.” She hoped he was listening to her, she really wanted him to.

“Love is complicated,” Raine’s voice was quiet, calm, and talking as if she was speaking to a confused child, but not talking down to him, just to him. “I hate him, he destroyed my life, but deep down, I still love him. I love who he was before he hurt me and I love that he took care for me for so long as a child. It doesn’t make sense, but I love him.” She glanced at him, “it’s not something I can control, it just happens. Love is strange.”

[Logan Greyson Smith]

"Nothing else in the whole world to keep my mind active enough," Logan replied knowing it to be the truth.  At least he hadn't found anything that had been able to keep his mind active enough and keep himself from getting bored.  A squib, catching witches and wizards, capture, dead or alive, and he was the best in the business.  His boundaries were few and far between, due to his sweet spot for muggles (not all muggles though) because he was like a muggle in the wizarding world, like a sibling to a muggleborn, while his brother not being a muggleborn.  Without magic, he could still do plenty, though his magical cuffs did help a while lot, and his collection of wands was simply because he was just a little obsessed with wands. 

Logan raised an eyebrow at her reaction to him thinking that he was perhaps dead.  Just what Hell would say to him if it really wanted to hurt him.  Lure him in.  Then bam.  Make his life a living hell for him to stay in for all of eternity.  After all, he was sure that he would go to Hell (he was raised a Christian, and believed in the afterlife and a higher being, but really, he didn't really care what all of eternity would mean, he was just living life the way he wanted to, and perhaps believing in the afterlife because deep, deep, deep down he felt he should suffer for some of the things he did... possibly).  He had no other way to go, no other life he could lead, in his mind, because all other lifestyles were not his way. 

"And how do I know that?" Logan asked Raine sending a glare back, "The Devil could sure have a good sense of humor, sending you to greet me when I awake in the afterlife."  It was still a possibility.  Though really, he could've died a long time ago, and his life he lead was his hell, and really, he lost everyone he cared about either to death or betrayal, and then lived in the worst place a kid could be sent to.  "Still could've killed me, that spell."  And it had nearly done so.  St. Mungo's had a hard time healing him up from it. 

"When you put it that way... I still prefer the thunderclouds and storms," Logan replied his smile not fading, despite his efforts to hide the persona away... though really, it wasn't a persona, "Sounds much more ominous and frightening."  When his thoughts turned towards his brother he scoffed at Raine's suggestion.  "He destroyed my life.  Feeling bad about it won't fix anything.  I will never forgive him." 

"That's just... idiotic," Logan said his voice getting a bit harsh, "Only an idiot would still love someone after that." And perhaps that made him an idiot because deep down, he loved his brother, probably why he was so surprised that she would admit she loved that... boy.