The Love That Hurts the Most [Raine]

[Raine Taika Fae]

Raine completely agreed, Logan got bored really easily. Frankly, she was astounded that he had held his interest in her for so very long. If it had been any other person on the planet he would have grown bored of them within three months. She’d been interesting to him for two years. He had never left. Well, not until he discovered his true feelings. But despite his lack of excitement for anything except the chase, he wasn’t truly cold hearted. He was empathetic towards muggles and squibs and muggleborns.

Raine huffed, knowing that he was just trying to deny his heart and follow his mind. She turned away from him and let her anger rise, “you want to know how I know it? I know it because you’re unimportant. You mean absolutely nothing to the world. The devil has no time for nobodies like you who have harmed only several dozen people. He would only need to focus his personal attention on those like Evienne, a demonic woman who murdered hundreds for fun. Or Voldemort, who’s slaughtering magical and muggle folk alike by the hundreds. Or Queen Mary I, nicknamed bloody Mary for her slaughter of non-Catholic English folk.” She turned to him, fire blazing in her eyes for the first time ever. “He would not decide to pluck a specific face, the one face he knew would break your heart above all others just to torture you. He’d care nothing of you, simply let you rot in lonesome misery like the rest. You are arrogant to believe yourself important enough for the devil himself to torture you so completely after your death.” She’d never been this angry in her life. Any time she was upset or angry, she held it in. She felt no need to force it upon the rest of the world. She held so much anger deep within and this was the first time she released any of it. Frankly, it was a scary sight, but it was the first true glimpse inside her shell that Logan had seen. The anger obscured the rest of what she hid, but he saw the first crack into her deepest, darkest layer.

Raine chuckled, “perhaps, but you are not that showy. Not on the inside, anyway.” She enjoyed pulling the smile from him, it was a wonderful smile that made her insides melt. “Of course, have to be the big scary squib out there.”

She sighed, “and he’ll never stop trying, nor stop loving you.” She sighed, “sometimes humans cannot help but act as idiots. You feel it to be stupid, but it’s impossible for me to change my mind. I would still give my life to protect him if I found out he was in danger. I love him, no matter how much he hurt me. And I’m not afraid to admit it to you, no matter how much you judge.”

[Logan Greyson Smith]

It was hard to keep his mind from getting bored, and destroying things, or something just to keep the boredom away, but really, when he was around Raine, there was so much about her that never seemed to bore him.  The whole sight of hers, it was all not boring.  The way her hair smelled, or the way she looked, the way she walked, the way she spoke, the way she acted.  Everything was not boring to him, which he didn't realize, and still didn't realize, was extremely odd for him to hold such interest in such small things that would bore him if it were any other person. 

Was she really getting angry over him being paranoid that he could be dead?  Well, it didn't help that his temper, what little it showed despite having a bad temper, was sparking as she began to call him unimportant.  He?  Not important?  After all the jobs he's done, after all the attention he'd gotten from the Ministry, after all he had tried to do to be important to the world, which had made him an outcast due to his inability to do magic, which had made his childhood terrible in itself, a world in which he felt alone and had to do something to get attention, and the only way to do so, and keep his brilliant mind active, was to do what he did.  He wasn't important?  Logan truly wanted to be important, though he hadn't realized he was already important to someone else.  Probably because he didn't really understand love, despite finding out that he fit the description of being in love when he let himself look at himself who he truly was deep, deep down. 

"I've done plenty to deserve an eternal suffering," Logan said evenly back, despite his temper beating its way through, "Those that are truly evil, the ones you just spoke of, after what they've done, usually have cut ties to most of those who can make them suffer.  They become no longer human.  But those who stay human, with some semblance of humanity and respect for life, are much easier to make suffer.  For me, simply offer up the one I consider the most important to me, and snatch them away from me.  Without even a second thought, run on autopilot, easy.  Make me live knowing that I would never see that person again.  Have the universe make the very last move to take away the only one I've grown to care for.  And knowing myself, I could've prevented the loss."  Which... actually... after he said that... kinda.... sounded like.... he couldn't lose her... even pushing her away... He told himself that it was different.  He was meaning her death, where he would know that the entire world would miss her presence, and his happiness didn't matter.  After all, what had he done to deserve happiness?

"Who else would show that squibs are not to be underestimated?" Logan asked with a small chuckle, before he managed to shove said persona back into the castle gates of his fortress, though it wasn't going without a fight.  If it won this fight, perhaps it would win other fights, and that was simply scary that his mind wouldn't be able to control something within a reasonable degree, especially when his guards were not quite so strong around her as others.  Only if it weren't her, he'd be able to control it easily, but it was always her that seemed to pull him out of his shell, no matter how little at a time, whereas others were not able to even scratch the surface.

"Good.  For the rest of his life, he'll live with the knowledge that I will never forgive him for everything he's done," Logan said firmly. Her going to that guy's rescue meant that he could go after the little... Because then she would be upset. He was actually thinking just before that, as soon as he could leave this hospital, he would hunt down that guy and make him suffer... maybe he even would still, but he knew it would upset her and that wouldn't be a good thing, despite him doing things that upset her recently and sticking by that decision. "And you'll... always... love me?" he seemed almost like a little kid when he asked the question, almost scared to even ask it, but having not been loved truly by someone, who actually showed it (as his brother hadn't the chance to do so), for a little over a decade, having refused to believe it prior to this, because it did scare him, love did, and had been caught up in dealing with what he had found inside of himself.

[Raine Taika Fae]

Raine knew he was confused as to why she was angry about his paranoia, but she couldn’t help it. She was madly in love with this man and he felt like she was his punishment in hell. Any woman would be upset about that, and most women turned to anger when they were upset. Yes, he had done an awful lot, harmed a lot of people, and in some people’s opinions deserved hell, but she disagreed. He didn’t deserve what he felt her to be. The thing he cared about most who was soon to be torn away from him.

Raine paused, blinking. Her anger was still there, simmering beneath the surface, but whether he would believe it or not, he had admitted that she was the most important person to him. She was stunned into silence. Though she, of course, knew he loved her, she hadn’t ever expected him to say it aloud. So stunned was she that she practically collapsed onto the chair beside his bed.

Raine shook her head, “no one, they all believe themselves to be useless.” She sighed when he shoved his ‘persona’ further down again. She did love him as he was, but she wished he’d let himself out more. She knew she could pull him back out again, she just had to continue to be herself. Her love was so unconditional that eventually he would stop fighting it.

“Logan, why won’t you give your brother a chance? He was young then, didn’t know what to do. He’s grown, he’s changed.” She knew he wouldn’t listen, but still, she could try. “You won’t believe me whether I say it or not, but I might as well. Of course I’ll always love you, Logan. I could never stop, even if I tried.”

[Logan Greyson Smith]

Logan only viewed her as his punishment because he was sure that anything good in his life would be ripped away. She was wedged so deep into his shell that if she were to disappear forever, there would be a gaping hole. After all, ever since he left her in her office, he had not been on his best game, ending up here, hurt to where they had to bring in muggles to sew him up. It showed how much of a weakness she was to him. He'd not be able to focus as greatly as before, his focus turning to her at some of the worst times. He needed to control these thoughts and regulate them or they'd destroy him. Which he was very afraid of.

He looked over at her and sighed. Damn it. He really had to control this a lot better. But it was how he truly felt in all of his layers, even the so-called unemotional layer. While logic had warned him before he spoke, even the great intelligence wasn't able to stop. "I don't want to lose you, Raine. I'm cursed, I'm sure of it. Anyone important leaves me, dies, or no longer cares. Everyone else hates me. I don't want to have my curse affect you too." Nor did he want to have such a large weakness for her. If she were in trouble, he'd do anything for her, to keep her alive, to keep her healthy.

"Exactly. Non-magical people should know that we can do just as much as magical people can, just in different ways," Logan said with a nod. He was bitter he wasn't magical like his brother, but he worked hard to get recognition that he, a squib, could be a threat to those with magic, that he could almost be an equal.

"Raine... He ruined my entire childhood. He never looked for me. He never did anything, until I decided to look for him," Logan said seriously. He wasn't a forgiving person really, even if he didn't want to hat John anymore. Logan thought for a moment, showing nothing of his thoughts on his face. "I-if... I were to trust you... To accept that you will always love me..." This was some of the only stuff he was not good at. Emotions. Trust. "Would you promise not to leave me?"

[Raine Taika Fae]

Raine knew why he felt her as his punishment, but still, it hurt her deeply. Being so in love with someone and knowing that you are the thing that hurts them… the thing that lands them in the hospital… it’s hard to deal with that. She wanted to be the thing that inspired him to keep living, to keep fighting. Being what he sees as his eternal punishment is just horrible.

She looked at him, her eyes showing the struggle she faced right now. Her love for him and her worry for him and her understanding of him. “You don’t have to lose me, Logan. You’re the only thing pushing me away.” She grasped his hand gently in hers, “that’s one bright side of my odd magics… I’m good at breaking curses. I can’t do transfiguration or potions or any of those normal magics, but I can break curses, I can hide knowledge, and I can see the future.” She wasn’t lying, she had been rather good at breaking curses.

She smiled, “but all the other squibs believe you to secretly have magic. They feel as if you couldn’t do all you do without the magic you supposedly lack.” Logan didn’t realize that he was equal to most wizards. Even Voldemort had a difficult time catching or harming Logan.

“He’s not that much older than you, Logan, he was scared. He didn’t know what to do. He figured you would hate him even more than he knew you already would if he decided to go looking for you.” She knew Logan would never forgive his brother, but she wouldn’t stop trying. The question brought a small, understanding smile to her face and the love she felt for him to shine in her eyes, “I will always love you, Logan,” she told him, “and I promise I will never leave you.” She wasn’t lying. Though she was currently training to be the next Lady of the Lake, a position which theoretically required the Lady to cut all ties with those of the outside world, she intended to do her job while keeping those she cared about. She would not lock herself in lonesome misery as her Lady Morgana had done. She would do the job much better with Logan by her side.

[Logan Greyson Smith]

Logan wouldn't change this view for a long time, even if they were to be happy together.  But really, he would soon realize that it was worth the punishment to feel the happiness that came.  Such as the time the two of them had gone on a picnic, only about 6 months prior, and the two of them, while he was masking himself, laughed and had fun... though... it did end with a big fight.  That didn't matter, though.  He still had fun that day, despite said argument.  That happiness was worth the punishment.  But he hadn't realized it.  But he would soon, and then not long after that he would propose, make her forever promise official, but that wasn't right now.  That was just soon.  And the whole proposal thing was a little farther than the realizing part.  He thought their future looked grim, when in fact, it was a whole lot better than he thought it was going to be. 

Logan stared at her holding his hand for a few moments, ignoring the sensation he had been getting lately every time they would touch, before he looked up at the roof and closed his eyes.  "It's unbreakable.  I put it on myself, when I wished my parents dead," his second set that is, though really his misfortune had started soon.  Part of his problem was, in fact, that he believed everything would go badly, and therefore viewed almost everything as something bad, especially after his second set of parents had died, and he had wished them dead after John's visit, and then John couldn't find him, but that didn't matter to him.  Logan always thought his brother should have done more to find him.  Logan felt that he would have if he was in John's position, but he wasn't John, and only assumed what had gone on in John's head all that time.  Then again... the orphanage was terrible even without him viewing it as bad; it was the worst place for him to go in his mindset then, and it really solidified that sort of mindset of everything being bad.  And part of the reason he didn't talk, was he felt he deserved it for wishing his parents dead (it was really just a childish rage that almost every one went through, his just so happened to happen not long before they died and his mind thought it his fault).  "Forget I said that," Logan quickly added, his eyes snapping open and looking at her, having never really mentioned his second set of parents (nor his first, but he barely remembered them at all), his darned barriers seeming weaker because of his state right now.

"I don't," he added with a small, tiny very significant smile (one that his barriers was alright with, which was extremely rare), though quite proud of people viewing him, HIM, as equal to magical people, quite an accomplishment for a squib, "They'll have to be taught that.  Perhaps after... today's events," the smile disappeared quickly at this statement, "Squibs from around, though few in number, will know it."  Though his injury today was actually due to him being human and extremely angry and irrational because he had broken his own heart by leaving Raine.  And even now he still thought it was the right thing to do, if only he could control his emotions that were due to her presence in the physical world, and in his thoughts.  But given he hadn't been able to... he was questioning said decision and if he should stand-by it from this point on, though his logic was fighting for both sides of the argument and was slowly getting overpowered... Slowly, but surely. 

"I wouldn't have.  I would have loved him.  I would have forgiven him if he had tried to make up for what he did sooner.  He could have saved me... from... other things in life if he came and found me, but he never did.  Now that I don't need him, he's trying to apologize.  But I won't forgive him," Logan replied.  He always wanted someone to take him away, and probably would have loved his brother if he had saved him from the orphanage.   But John never came.  And now, finally, Logan had found his brother, who was trying to apologize to him, but it was too late.  Logan didn't need his help anymore, didn't need his love (he convinced himself of the latter), didn't need him at all.  And really, he wanted to punish his brother for never trying enough to find him, and save him. 

Now it was down to whether he was capable of trusting her or not,  Especially with something that was quite important to his psyche.  If she were to leave him... then... he would probably become a terrible person.  He was quiet for a short while, thinking to himself, weighing pros and cons together, before he  bit his lower lip and finally spoke once more.  "Alright," Logan said slowly, "Alright."  He then stopped for just a moment, before he placed his condition upon this whole ordeal.  "We... can... be together, if you would like, but only if you promise that you will not interfere with my job, whether it be a job from Voldemort, The Ministry, or Dumbledore.  You cannot interfere in those jobs, even... even if I am in dire need, unless you get a confirmation that you can help from me.  I can't let myself nor the world feel as if Logan Smith is under the reigns of Raine Fae.  If you end up in my way.... I'd have to kill you, and I would not want to do so."  One of the only people he would not try to kill.  Voldemort was another, but that was because he was too dangerous to kill and he knew that Voldemort had some immortality back up plan.  And there were any muggle, muggleborn, or squib that was not posing some sort of threat to others in those groups. 

[Raine Taika Fae]

Raine knew nothing of the thoughts in his mind at this very moment. Of the reality of what would occur after they’d been together. Frankly, he didn’t know, so how could she. Their fight a few months previously had come to mind at this very moment. They had had a picnic on the shores of the Black Lake, and it was marvelous. Until he had mentioned that he would be gone on a mission for Voldemort. That was the first real fight they’d had as a couple. It was horrible, she cried the whole time he was gone, but she’d never let him know it. He thought everything had been okay when he came back. The day had been wonderful, and his return even better. The happiness had been worth the fight. She just hoped he could see that it was.

Raine looked down, “no curse is truly unbreakable,” she told him quietly. “Usually they’re just self-fulfilling prophecies. If you believe yourself to be cursed, you are cursed, if you believe the worst to occur, it will.” She knew an awful lot about this sort of thing. It was one of the things she had learned over her years as a seer. His life had mostly been horrible because he refused to see it as anything less. Of course, some parts of his life were terrible. Losing his parents, the orphanage, everything. She knew he was not in the state of mind to discuss the parts of his past she had yet to learn, so she pushed the thought to the back of her mind to deal with another day.

“You were in the muggle world, it is extremely difficult to find people in the muggle world, love.” The word slipped before she could catch herself. She knew he wanted so hard to forgive his brother, but he refused to, so she would keep trying, keep pushing at him until he did.

Raine couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face, “I will always disagree, but I will not interfere.” She knew that keeping herself away if he was in dire need would kill her, but she would listen. If he ever got hurt, she’d be close, close enough to help if he asks, but far enough to stay out of his way and to be unnoticed by those he was chasing. “Raine Fae will play no part in the work of Logan Smith until such a time as he requests her aide.”

[Logan Greyson Smith]

Logan had always hoped that deep down he would find a wife (or husband, really, he didn’t really have a preference) and have a family, even if it meant kids or not. Just someone, or somebodies that would care about him, that he would find and like him for how he acted, and love him no matter what. However, it was one of those desires, one of those things that he couldn’t let to the surface, because he knew that he would just be let down. Sure, he had the desire to show how people like him could do just as much as magical people, but that was not a dangerous one, and a possible desire that might be fulfilled, unlike a family who could love him. He had always believed so, and so any desire for it had been shoved fairly deep down. However, as he spent more time with Raine it seemed more and more likely that the desire for said family could actually come true. Though, he hadn’t really realized it, and had thought about actually having a family, except a little, where it scared him that it might actually happen, and then bite him later for accepting the impossible could happen.

“What else would I believe?” Logan asked, “When has anything gone right in my life?” Logan was sure that nothing good could ever come because everything seemed to go downhill in his life. Except when he joined the magical world and began doing various jobs for various people for various amounts of money, but that was because he made it happen that way, he really worked at it. He might have been one of the most brilliant people, but it was things like this, when concerning himself, and his feelings, emotions, he was one of the most ignorant.

Logan stiffened as she called him ‘love’. That was something he wasn’t used to, and frankly, he didn’t know how to respond, so he decided to ignore it for now. “The muggle world is easy to find someone,” Logan scoffed, thinking of his expertise in finding someone anywhere, though almost always restricted to England (though he had done some work outside the country though it took a while) due to his slower mode of transportation. “He could have at least tried something, but he never did.” Though, really, Logan didn’t know, as he wasn’t John, but he always assumed it so.

“Good,” Logan said, a faint smile on his face. He didn’t know how to go about this whole thing now. He was good at rejection, but accepting was foreign to him. He wasn’t even sure he really could deal with this whole thing. “If you ever leave me…” his tone was one of threat, wanting to make sure that she would not leave him, very afraid of rejection and losing someone he allowed himself to care about.